Thread of a past life.

Sometimes the smallest things take me back to Mexico.

I purchase this huge spool of dark blue thread in a shop in downtown Ensenada, Mexico. My tasks was to sew some curtains for the school.

Tonight,  I was sitting here patching a hole in Luke's jeans and this thread took me back to the salty, muggy days in ol' Mexico!

 Oh, those were some days. 

My heart aches sometimes just thinking about where our life was then and where it is now. Wouldnt change a thing. 

Just, man, how time flies and get away from you.

 My little 4 & 2 yr old girls are now 13 & 11 and we have added 3 beautiful, fully charged boys! 

What a beautiful life. 

What a amazingly beautiful life. 

I am indeed blessed! 

It's crazy how a hole in Luke's pants can spark such an emotion and walk down memory lane. 

Maintain

It's been a while since I have posted anything on here and I feel like my brain is about to explode with words that need to be written.

So many things to remember
So many things to express

I have delayed writing because I feel like I can never catch up on my life, so I avoid.

I could never catch up...so here's to maintaining in my life.

my sweet boy

ME: Carter why aren't you and "B" closer friends?

Carter: Mom, he is in my church class and he's quiet. He isn't wild and dangerous like I am.

Me: Oh, Carter, I didn't know you were wild and dangerous.

Carter: Mom, I am...look at all these scars on my legs from playing.

Cast away

Got a sweet little tender hearted child. Tonight Luke showed cast away, with Tom hanks to the kids. Not all of it, but 95% of it. It always brings a tear to my eyes and a lump to my throat when it shows his and Wilson's relationship...especially when chuck loses Wilson in the ocean. Also, of course when he finally finds his love at the end married and moved on, somewhat. The kids didnt watch that part. But we also didnt show then the ending, how chuck finds life again and delivers his angel winged package. All of that, oh and the tooth pulling, left my lil beans crying sad in her bed tonight and now on the couch in my bedroom. She said "that movie was so sad, I get emotional over the dumbest things". It broke my heart. I don't like to see my kids cry over something like that. It's to much for their little hearts to take.
I love that sweet girl. She's a lot like me....emotional, tender hearted, thin skinned.
Heart you shelbs!

texting can be a joke!

One fine day I sat along my mother learning about my forefathers. We sat and looked through photos and stories and put names with faces and names with families.
My mom talked about how her grandfather was killed when he was at the bottom of a well sending up his tools and one of them fell from the bucket and fell down the hole, striking him on the head.
She told me about how my namesake Grandpa Junius Nielson/Nelson/Neilson/Nielsen was a hobo and traveled around on a train for many years...starting at the age of 13.
She walked me down memory lane while telling me the story of how my  Grandma and Grandpa started the Dairy in Richfield.
She showed me the lineage of how I am a direct descendant of Pocahontas and Ethan Allen the revolutionary. 

While going through some of these photos and stories...I came across a photo of a little girl,  that I have been told many times looks like me as a child.
I can see it.

At that moment I saw it..I could also see my little niece...Kaia.

So I sent this message to my brother to let him in on the secret I just discovered.

When I sent it...I immediately got a response and it was: 

 So the texting continues...Me feeling all inspired because of these amazing photos I am coming across and getting less and less inspired as the messages come through my phone.
I then come across a photo that my mom says resembles Dusky(with out the beard)
So I send it to him...thinking it's totally a compliment.

And the message comes back right away with a response like this:

I couldn't help but laugh out loud and yet be totally offended. So I send back a photo of a young baby that has lost his teeth and is nuts looking in the nicest way to see if I can bring the messages back around. This is from me to Dusky.

My Brother has lost his mind...yet me and mom are cracking up!

And of course he ends the texting on a high note.
Oh Brother...only YOU!

Pistachio time

"Spit bath" was branded into my mind for a few days as I stayed with my parents in Utah.
"Spit bath" is my moms really disappointed, mad, sickened, disgusted word.
She's a potty mouth, what can I say.

She used it over and over as she saw her and my dads pistachio production this October.
I have never been able to participate in the great pistachio harvest that takes place every fall during general conference weekend. Always wanted to..but can never get there.

I have heard about all the fun that takes place.
The nut fights.
The slinging of the tarps.
The beating of trees with a 10 foot pole and all the pistachios that rain down onto the tarps.

The nuts that get a bath and a roll.
The sitting around water basins to pick the duds and the winners.
The salt water brine and then of course the drying process.


Oh, they have all reminded me of all the different sentences or phrases they all come up with that has "nut" in it.
And how all the children are running and playing and frolicking about having fun working.

It seems dreamy.

But not this year!
Although it was dreamy to me!

Spit bath!!

Wouldn't you know it! This year, out of the 40 trees and all the nuts...maybe 5 trees got good nuts...the others not so much.
Mom and dad worked hard with a few hours from me, bug and Robbie. We had the harvest completed in a matter or two days. Normally it takes a week and a few days.

Spit bath!!

When normally they fill up 15-18 tubs of nuts....this year 2!

Total spit bath!!

I was looking forward to this heavenly work with the family, but not this year.

To much water they say!
Not enough water some might argue.
Just the off season this year?

I must of brought my bad luck.

We will try again for next year and this year sit disgusted, sickened, disappointed and mad in our spit baths!

Til next oct!

General conference

I missed being with my sweet family for general conference!
However, I was with my parents and a few siblings in Utah after the marathon. It was peaceful and wonderful and I was exhausted. But enjoyed every minute.
I will say that it sort of brought back memories from when I was young...most everyone was sleeping in the second Sunday session.
Wonderful talks!
Wonderful spirit!
Wonderful week!

Mom language

I love it when I used the word "fart" tonight in front of my girls and lainie says to me.."mom, what? You don't use that kind of language".
Made me think about that for a minute. She's a doll.

The day came!

My longest run of my training came today. I have been nervous for it for months and especially after my ankle sprain. I was sure it was impossible....but I slept good last night, luckily! And woke to the fact that I had to get it done. I went out and NOT back...just straight 20 miles. I did stop at mile 4 to pick up a few more runners. I started with Tiffany wilcock, in my wars and her friends joined there at power. Around Val Vista they turned and went back, except Tiffany. She ran with me till mile 14. She's awesome! I loved our conversation and it just distracted me from all that was going on.
At mile 14, mrs. Hallows joined me for the last 6. So so nice to finish off with someone that you can visit with. I felt strong. Although I did have to stop at a few intersections to drink water or fix my shoe. But, I was happy with it! Of course you can always find something you should of done different...but I was pleased.
Proud of myself! I happen to be running across the road right when my phone said "distance 20 miles"...I have to say I raised my arms up above my head and yelled "20 miles!!!!, yippee" I am sure people thought I was a nut job!
Don't care!!

My sweet husband got the kids up early at 7 to get all of them to a 8:00 soccer game. Thanks to him for that. I was able to go there afterwards to see the second half...I just missed lainies goal!
Next time!

Good day.

Flunked

Doing spelling with my mr. Carter and we came acrossed the word "flunked". I said to him "say it, spell it and use it in a sentence".
He says "flunked, f l u n k e d" and trn his sentence was as follows. "I think I just flunked in my swim shorts."

What exactly does flunked mean these days.

He later gave me the correct meaning. He is a crack up.

Nothing quite like it.

There really isn't anything quite like going to sleep early Friday night to try to get some rest for a long Saturday 430am run.
Going to sleep with a three yr old, because you haven't been consistent enough to put him in his own bed...and quite frankly you love the snuggling he provides you.
Nothing quite like it.


So...early to bed with 3 yr old and then you invite your 12 yr old to sleep with you and the baby because your hubby is at a scout camp out and when you leave in the morning you don't want the 3 yr old to wake up to nobody in the bed.
So...that's all fine! Off to bed @ 9pm.

At 12:39...you have the 6 & 7 yr old boys at the side of your bed standing over you like demon children, scared. "we want to sleep with you." they say.
"go to bed, please" you answer, as you check the clock...totally enthused that you still have 4 hrs to sleep. Nothing quite like it.

So, at 140am the baby is whimpering because he is turned sideways and is crowded in your bed. So he kicks you in the back and wakes you just enough to get you to realize you need to go to the bathroom. Up you go. Still 3 hrs of sleep...good!

2:30am the 7 yr old never made his way back to his bed but found the couch next to your bed. He wakes you up to a loud "GUYS!! GUYS!!" as he runs to the top of the stairway looking down as he keeps repeating "guys guys". Sleepwalker! That freaks you out but not enough to get out of bed. Now, you're getting ticked off that since 12:39 am, you really haven't gotten to real sleep just a real dreamy state...not sleep. You are getting tired of these short stories your brain has created and not finished.

330am the 7 yr has talked his 12 yr old sister into moving over so he can sleep in the bed to. So now it's mom, 3 yr old, 7 yr old and the big 12 yr old.
Nothing like it!

Wait, it keeps getting better.

400am...thirty minutes left of sleep and you're on the couch with a clean towel as a blanket and ticked off!

430am the alarm goes off and out of bed...finally!
You brushed teeth, slide clothes on, Shoes are on and tied, music turned up and a final check of all the kids in the bed...and Out the door you go.

you meet up with a few ladies outside your door for the run.
It's only 81 degrees this morning @5am...nice for a change. (gag) super humid! But dark and you enjoy that peaceful dark morning run.
Nothing quite like it.

After 13 miles you get home, dripping with sweat and tired... to all the kids awake, except the 12 yr old who is still sleeping in your bed.
Jump in the shower for a long, cold cleansing. Head downstairs to make pancakes for the youngest 4 and sleeping beauty.
12 yr old wakes and is in a good mood...nothing quite like THAT!

After breakfast, You tell her to keep an eye on the kids so you can have a little nap..at 10am.
So so happy to get off the feet and lay down. You climb the stairs and see that big bed beckoning to you to enter the slumber there....you reach the edge and lay yourself down, only to find your hands enter a nice wet pee spot from that little 3 yr old that you just love to have sleep with you.
Nothing quite like it!!

In your dazed state you rip the covers off and throw them across the room...take off the mattress cover and the memory form cover and give them all a chuck across the room to the now large heap of wet bedding.
You find the bottom of the bed...where you lay your feet in a normal day....makes no difference today...you find yourself there in seconds and your brain rolling with events through the day. Sleep is necessary but hard to find for some reason. Just as you start to realize that this day deserves a journal post, sleep becomes your friend and you make up 2 hours later.

Really, nothing quite like it!

37th bday!

I had a wonderful bday surprise! My parents drove from southern Utah to spend the weekend with us. It really made my month...actually year!
My dad came with a black chocolate cake in tote and when he arrived he topped it with a scrumptious fudge like icing! Oh, it makes my mouth water just thinking about it. It does a number on my waistline....but so good.
Then we had yummy burgers and my dad's famous spaghetti...with sausage, beef, squash, green peppers and all sorts of herbs and spices. I almost passed on the noodles and just ate the sauce...it's so good.
Then, my mommy creates some of the most delicious white chocolate, cinnamon rolls on one cookie sheet and then orange rolls on another. So so good! Again, there goes the waistline.
I loved having some time with my parents. They helped me tremendously with a roadshow I was in charge of for our ward. They were both such sports about running errands here and there. They picked up kids and things and helped put together props and send kids on stage. It was amazing. What a team they make.
We invited Luke's mom and step dad over for dinner and sat around the table shooting the bull and laughing at all sorts of different stories. Such a good time!

I was so sad to see them leave. I was on the edge of tears all day. It's nice to have them home from their mission and even better...having them here. Oh, we love them. My kids were in heaven having them here.
Can't wait to see them again.

My birthday choice!

This morning I was suppose to run 17 miles. 17 miles on the 17th of august..my 37th birthday!
 I have been mentally preparing myself all week. I ran 13.4 last weekend and knew this weekend would be a doozy. I was scheduled to run Saturday morning...but with many things that came up regarding church events. I chose to run this morning. Luke was taking the day off for my bday and I decided had the alarm set for 4am. The problem was I had my alarm to go off at 4am on Saturday...not Friday. So at 3:09am I woke up and saw I had another hour of sleep....great. So thrilled. I fell back into a very shallow sleep..just enough to have a crazy dream about Luke hiring a maid and I threw a major temper tantrum. I yelled and screamed that I could scrub my own toilets. Anyhow...my strange dream forced my mind to wake up..at 4:45am. I missed 45 minutes of running...that's nearly 5 miles. That's so much when you re on a slight time crunch. But..I slid out of bed onto my knees and had a quick prayer of thanks and safety. I knew it was going to be about 3 hours of running/jogging and quite possibly walking...I wouldn't be back till 8am. Just missing all my kids before school. I normally wouldn't feel to bad about Luke getting everyone up and lunches and bfast made. But, for some reason it didn't set well with me. But, I had to get my miles in and so...I was off. 
Got all my gear on...sometimes I feel like a European in Zion National park. Camera, binoculars, fanny pack, tall socks with boots, their sun hat and then all the first aid kits and beepers and what ever they might have. 
On this morning I had my sunglasses on my head (for when I was running back towards the west  at the end of my run when the sun had finally made it's appearance for the day. I had my headphones all tucked away nicely throughout my shirt and out my sleeve. Those attach to my phone that is in a nice little pouch sock slid up my arm to my pit. I had my water belt strapped on around my waist with only one bottle. My route I picked put me by many gas stations for water stations...but there were about 7 miles of farm land with no liquid...so I put on the belt. 
I had my snot rag, handkerchief that I tuck in my waist band of my shorts. I am not a good farm blower...so I require the etiquette of a white hankie to keep my nose clean through out my run. And of course it is sprayed with Tea Tree oil...to keep my nose moist and smells that are good. Okay...then I had my dang long ankle sock to protect my bum ankle. YES....I am totally a tourist on the road. I think I weight 10 pounds more when running with less clothes. It's a freak show. 
Anyhow...all fueled up with my banana and water...I walk out the door to hear a really unfamiliar noise....RAIN. WHAT??

I stopped on my door step with my hand on my hips, and a million thoughts came to mind.

Go back to bed.
What a wonderful gift
Oh, enjoy this....you'll be sorry if you don't
My shoes will get dirty
What if someone hits me because they are paying attention to the windshield wipers and can't see me?
Go back to bed and run tomorrow
You re gonna miss your kids from school
Just GO

So, I got a ziploc for my phone so I wouldn't ruin that....and off I went.

Not sure of what I was doing on the dark, wet roads. My mind was screaming...go HOME! Was this my spirit trying to protect me from some foretold accident evolving a car and me? Or was it just going to be really hard today? 
I gave myself some timeline and parameters.
I would stay off certain roads that didn't have big shoulders if it was still raining when I got there. 
I would be willing to cut my run short if I felt like I needed to, to keep safe.
I would listen to the spirit.

I got to mile 2 and was on a road with a narrow shoulder and it was raining. Had a few cars not see me till they were right on me...not cool. You know all those thoughts that come to mind in a matter of a second?
"go home and see your kids before they go to school."
"you don't wanna die on your birthday"
"that Hummer could do so much damage to you...if they would of smeared you"
"it's flippin raining and you're running next to these cars"
"But it's a gift from God, I must enjoy it"

So...I decided...today my Spirit and Body won the battle. I was cutting my run short and going home to see my kids before they left to go to school. Carter had made a comment yesterday that struck me. You're not going to spend your birthday with us kids? Creed has been having some anxiety about school and repeating "Memphis, please let me be you..I want to stay home with mom". Shelby just needs a mom to love her and Lainie loves me. I thought about how...of all the days I wanted to be with my kids...today was it. 

Quitter? maybe
Lazy? Could be
Not determined to finish my weekly goal? Guilty

I quickly did a re-route of my run and figured I could get 10 miles in before I needed to be home to catch them before the bus. So...I did.
I loved hearing my phone tell me my time, mileage and pace. But I loved seeing my home more! 

I didn't run my 17 miles on the 17th on my 37th bday...but I don't care! 

When I got home and the kids were all off to school and Memphis just sits there with his face next to mine...like we can't live without breathing each others air....I realized how I might be pushing my limits a bit. 
Not necessarily with running. 
But, with connecting with my children and being present for them. 

Then this morning I came across this.....so loved reading this. Especially when I cut my run short because......well, because I love my family and needed them today.


"Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They 

allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away 

from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s 

goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time 

working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and 

exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to 

prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire 

world" Do not try to choose it all!!!

Is it a sign?

Maybe I am not suppose to be running right now.
Maybe it's all a secret inside plot created by my inner sabotage self to not be prepared for this marathon.

A few months ago it was my knee hurting. I purchased some new kicks and my knee was better. It's amazing how that works...seriously like over night healing.
Then 3.5 wks ago, while playing an innocent, yet very serious game of vball I went up to block at the net and come down on my opponents foot. I come down and twisted...not smart. Sprain it pretty good. Played another game while it was warm and loose. Which was probably not wise.
I came home iced it, massaged it with lavender, cypress and lemon essential oils and then wrapped it up. I have done that since it happened and I feel like I could start running again this monday.
I did run, twice, last wk and shouldn't have..so stopped.
I got on my bike and it hurt my knees after 8 miles....I changed my seat maybe it was to low...seemed to help a bit.
Then just two nights ago...once the lights were all turned out in my home. I had to make a break to check on a kid and I kicked a laundry basket and sliced my toe open at the nail. Today it's oozy an bloody, thats awesome, for sure!
Oh...this is all on my right leg!!!
Ooooo Ooohhhweee, What's up with that? What's up with that?

Are these sort of sign to just stop running, eat ice cream and York peppermint patties all day and just don't be out there running?
Hhmm sounds good! But I think not.

Here's to my ankle being strong enough on Monday!

Cheers!

john wayned it

Yes..I did it.
I John Wayned it today.

John Wayneing it is a method very close to my heart...it's my dad's way of doing thing...once in a while.

I remember as a child during Christmas the tree would fall over every time you looked at it, breathed it's way or even thought about it. Actually it probably fell over once or twice..but because of the way it got handled...it seemed like it fell over numerous times a day. So, after it fell over one to many times for my dad...he grabbed his hammer, nails and showed that tree who was boss. I remember him on his knees under the nailing the tree base to the sub floor, through the carpet. Those type of methods he would call..."John Wayneing it."

So...I have these two rebellious rugs upstairs in my hallway. Every time you walk on them...they slide to the wall and start climbing up the wall. I mean they are just the most obnoxious things. I was thinking one night while shutting the brain off. "What can I do to fix these rugs so they can be there in the hall...but not move?" I know our carpet is cheap, so was not so concerned in that regard.
When we bought this house, we knew it had been worn....but can't be replaced, just yet.
SO...forget the carpet.
I knew I needed to be able to vacuum under the rugs. I had tried caulking on the back of the rug, rug tape...all to no avail. It was time to John Wayne it.

I went down stairs, got my hammer and nails and was instantly taken back to that Christmas when father dear nailed the tree down. A few of my kids surrounded me with a curious look on their faces as I proceeded to nail down two corners of those two rugs. I stood up, proud of my courage and walked away knowing I just made my father proud. (:

John Wayne always wins in the end.

crowded

I use to roll my eyes at people that would share their co-sleeping bed stories with me. They would tell about how their 2 or 3 yr old would still be sleeping between them and their spouse. I am sure I would of said numerous times "why, I never would do that", "that's just not right", Or "come on put your child in their own bed and be done with it".
You always think you know what's best for you...when you don't know.
I must admit I am a parent of a nearly 3 yr old, that has his own bed, but still sleeps in my bed...usually right in the middle, between me and my lover. It's true I am rolling my eyes right now thinking about it! But, he is my baby and he is Luke's baby and for some reason it's okay. He loves to sleep right up close to me. He usually sleeps on my arm or under my side.
He is my baby. There won't be another little baby in my house..so he must stay small!

The big problem is....I Woke up this morning with all my children in bed with me...no wonder I had a stiff neck. My sweetie had gone to work and I was left home in bed with 50 toes, 5 stinky mouths breathing fire towards me and a sliver of room to try to sleep in.
Of course this is adorable and I found a way to savor it... For about 10 minutes....then the back starts ceasing up and the legs gotta move. But how can I escape when I am sleeping with lainie, creed, and Memphis On one side, carter on the other and poor shelbs is on my feet?
I somehow made it out of bed with no injury to most...just a pinch in my neck and a back that needed a chiro.

But, what can I say... I love it!
I love my sweet lil babies!

Clean table.

Well, it's true.

I just vacuumed my kitchen table.

Happy Independence Day!

Today should be full of Freedoms!

Running on the streets this morning all by myself. A female out on the streets at sunrise in shorts and a t-shirt with the music I love to listen to.

Hitting the grocery store with my lover at 8am, buying food we want, with plenty to go around for those other last minute shoppers.

Being home with my kids as they turn their brains to oatmeal watching spider-man 2 & 3 as I...vacuum my kitchen table. (:

Going to the movie with a couple of friends that we like. To a movie that we choose at a time we like at a place we enjoy.

Swimming in a pool with all my children in a swimsuit that shows my arms and legs. In the same pool as a lady that wears a suit that neither shows her feet, legs, arms or hair. Yes, some middle Eastern lady swimming in a pair of levi's, long sleeve shirt and head covering as her husband is in a pair of swim trucks with his hairy middle eastern chest open to the world.....but hey....it's AMERICA!!! They can.

BBQ'ing with some friends and chatting about life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Then finishing it all off with a firework display to mark the birth of this Country that allows us to have a day like this!

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Focus /  (refocus)...by definition:

1. To converge on or toward a central point of focus; be focused.

2. To adjust one's vision or an optical device so as to render a clear, distinct image.

3. To concentrate attention or energy:

This is my Middle of the New Year Goal!

Husband
Children
Humor
Happiness
Home
Community
Surroundings
Being me

Tis the season!

Birdie has turned into a Bee

For the past 4 months or so, Lainie has been counting down til her 12th birthday. She has been planning and preparing her menu, party activities, gifts & whatever else comes with a birthday. She has been so excited and could hardly wait till May 1st would come.
In the back of the excitement, people would ask me "are you feeling old, now that you have a child that is turning 12"? I would think about it and always say "NO". I don't feel older for having a 12 year old. I know I am! I know everyday I get one day older...that's obvious. But, I don't feel it. I think a birthday is like any other birthday...One year older! They are fun and, sure, they are a milestone. But, it's expected and we all know its gonna happen.

So May 1st came and we had a small celebration for bfast with waffles, gifts and decorations.
The afternoon brought a little celebration at school...with me taking cookies (no bake cookies, just what Lainie ordered) to her class and whomever was out on the playground that was in arms reach of the bucket.
The evening brought dinner @ the Cheesecake Factory with Lainie's grandparents, Shelby, Luke and myself. The boys were watched at home by Aunt Robin, Uncle Tane and baby Lei. We were able to enjoy our dinner, conversation and just look at Lainie changing before our eyes.
She was so afraid of the attention that would take place if I told the waiter that it was her bday...she didn't want them to sing to her....NO dessert was worth it. BUT...of course I didn't listen (i wanted cheesecake!) So the waiter brought her a delicious cake and asked the few tables around us to join in and sing to her. They did and she smiled and acted so good about it. She's a trooper.
It was a fun evening!

Wednesday, for Lainie, was the official first day of Mutual. She had a great time and was so happy to be attending.

Thursday was just a normal fun day.

Friday was her bday party.
I worked all day preparing for her party and Father & Sons camp-out. Both on the same day and both requiring many "last minute" items.
My day started at 530am and did chill until 11pm.

The girls showed up at 5pm at our home and then we all drove over to Mimi and Papa's house for a swim & BBQ party. The girls swam while I cooked up some burgers. Of course they turned out like little "white castle" burgers...so small and laughable. I had to run tot he store down the road to get more so the girls didn't starve.  Thanks to Mel, Ruby & Tane for being the lifeguards while I left.

We served the girls  yummy drinks & strawberry shortcake for dessert. It was a fun evening. we finished the evening off by coming back the house and watching a movie. All the things that Lainie wanted to do. Our evening ended with me taking a few girls home around 10pm.
Once I returned I saw, in my driveway,  Luke's truck on a trailer being towed by his brother. WHAT THE HECK! This is another store for another day.

Anyhow...my dear baby girl turned 12 and had a fun week and weekend.
Sunday was the icing on the cake for me.
Our ward is very cool. THe YW's program really does some neat things to celebrate their new girls. On Tuesday morning we found a huge cut-out of a bday cake in our front yard to recognize Lainie. On Sunday the Bishop presents or introduces the YW in front of the ward and gives them a name. He is an institute teacher for his job and he studies Hebrew and Greek. Well...after the kids interview he thinks of an uplifting and encouraging name from either Hebrew or Greek. He tells the entire congregation what it is and he remembers them by that name for the rest of their stay in the ward. He is a great Bishop. Anyhow...this was suppose to happen this Sunday. AND...the YW's beehives and instructors all come into the Primary room...dress Lainie up in a bee outfit (so cute) and walk her back to the YW's room to introduce her to the rest of the girls. It's a big deal and she was so so looking forward to it.
Well, due to Baby Niece Lei's Blessing taking place at the same exact time as our sacrament mtg we decided it was the right thing to do and attend that instead. It was hard for Lainie to skip her big day but once we talked about it and what it meant to Dad to be part of Lei's day and what it meant to him to be part of Lainie's day, which could be switched, she came to an understanding of what was right to do. So...we skipped our sacrament mtg and went to the Blessing. HOWEVER, we ran straight back to our church for the last hour of the block so the YW could present her to rest of the group. She was thrilled and excited and it was so much fun.
This Sunday...Bishop will introduce her to the ward and it will end up to be a win win for everyone.

So, back to my orignal thought of writing this post....do I feel older for having a 12 year old. I didn't feel any different until I watched her sit down in Young Woman's with a room full of beautiful, confident, unsure, shy, excited, amazing & outstanding girls. I didn't feel old..I felt so blessed and overwhelmed. I stood back in the corner of the room as the girls sang happy birthday to her and then proceeded to sing about their Saviors love and sacrifice for them. I watched her take her place among these girls and I cried.

I remember being in YW's and how it was so different than Primary.
I felt so happy for her and so excited for her to start this new milestone in her life.
What a sweet girl.
I would say...I felt so Proud!
Oh, I love this child.

STOP IT!

This talk that I have attached below was one that has brought up so much for me.

I have to say...it's been a talk that has created a stir in my heart.
I am so guilty of so much of what Pres. Uchtdorf talks about.
I have been bitten by the jealousy bug and it control a great deal of my life.
I envy many, strive to be like others in different aspects of my life, work hard at justifying my ill feelings towards some, based solely on my short comings, .

I have been made aware or reminded of my sins from this talk and it's been ever since I heard this talk that I have felt sort of mad. Not at others...but at myself. I must admit I sort of dreaded facing people because I didn't want to have those thoughts or feelings come to the surface.

I was called out and didn't like it.

I know what President Uchtdorf is saying is straight from the Lord and is for all of us...but I really took this one to heart....it was for ME!

There are many people in my life that I punish internally within my mind because of their fortunes or talents. It occupies my mind and clutters my thoughts.

I have listened to this talk just once...until this morning.
I knew what it was about..I listened very intently back at the first of April during conf.  and didn't want to be reminded of my sins again. But, it wouldn't leave me. I knew this was something I very much needed to STOP.  I have really been aware and making efforts to stop a thought of not being good enough or my intent of a task..."why am I doing this?" "why do I need this in my life?" "is this for you or to prove something?"
I have had to really reevaluate my thoughts and actions and self!

It's a good thing for sure.

I need to say...all of these ill feelings and thoughts are completely directed from my "not feeling worthy enough". It has nothing to do with others being mean to me or judgemental towards me. However, I sometimes feel judged by others...not because of a good thing I have done...but based on something that I am falling short in.
This is hard for me to swallow.
I have to STOP my thoughts and instantly remind myself that we are all in different stages in our lives and we are all different. NOT to take things personal.

This is so much easier said than done and it all sounds so wonderful on the page...but in reality...it's so HARD.

I tear up thinking about all that is swimming in my mind right now.
With just where I have been so wrong with others treatments towards me and my treatments towards others. My thought patterns, my actions and my goals....all based on such a lie. The lie being...it's not about anyone else...just about ME!

Over the past 4 months I have lost focus! So..this talk couldn't of come at a better time for Me and my internal goals.

I still feel raw to myself and exposed and yet very guarded to most people. I try to act normal, but I am so unsure of me and where I need to put my feelings towards my surroundings. It's scary and ackward.

I think I am just needing to refocus and close the outside noise off. .....but I have always loved the distractions....but it's just noise!!

Yesterday at church I was reminded to read my Patriarchal Blessing and focus on finding an answer to a problem within it. In my mind, I was instantly shown a line in my blessing that says, basically "don't let the things that don't matter, take the place that really does". SO....fits my life...always!
SIMPLIFY in every way.

anyhow...I have had these things on my mind for a month and needed to vent it somewhere. Talking about it to my husband sometimes falls on ears that say "Yeah, I know you are like that but I love ya anyway". So...to just put it out in the universe is where I needed to go with this.

Watch this video and see if you're touched the way I was with forgiving others and most importantly Forgiving ourselves!