Today was a rough day for me.
Not the entire day just from about noon to 3:00pm. I had taken all the kids to our traditional Monday morning volleyball game at the church and had a great time. Not much exercise but always a ball with those ladies. Once I ran a few errands and got home I decided I would go for a quick 3 miles run while the baby was sleeping. Prepared myself by getting my ipod, sunglasses and hat and then telling the kids I'd be right back.
Before I had stepped out the front door my mind had changed and it was going to be a questionable 3 miles...maybe only 2, because the kids were here by themselves and yada yada yada, excuse excuse excuse. I got outside with my hat that from the get go was annoying me for some reason and then I realized I hated the bra I was wearing and again, any excuse or reason to not have to run the initial 3 miles I had set out to do, was crossing my mind.
I got on the road and my sweet daughter yelled out the window..."bye mom, see you later". I then vocalized to her "oh, I am only going 2 miles, so I will be back sooner". I knew at that point this was going to be an interesting run.
You see...My mind has two brains. The strong, determined and "you can do it" side and then the "oh hell rennie..go home and take a load off, today isn't your day to run or be awake" side.
My goodness...the weak side is SO strong and it makes me ANGER. Maybe I am a multi-personality person. In my mind I know I can do things. I know I am strong. I know I can do what I want to do or need to do. Then that weak side will stomp right on the face of the strong side and mush it into teeny tiny pieces. IT'S a flippin joke.
Today...I got my first mile in and just barely made the turn to continue to the next mile before my weak side took me back home. I ran the next .5 mile and could tell I was so in my head. I was getting mad and then it was wearing on me. I was distracted by everything and so ticked. At one point after stopping to walk I just stopped my feet all together and had an argument in my head between the two sides.
YEP...I am nuts!
I was determined to finish this dang 2 miles strong and running. Which I did...(but nearly died.)
I was so mad and frustrated and disappointed in myself, because I had gone farther and felt like a million bucks.
I couldn't believe I allowed my mind to be that strong when being weak.
I walked through my front door, threw my shoes off, threw my ipod in the cabinet, marched straight to the shower (huffing and puffing and pouting) and turned it on straight COLD. I couldn't believe that was so HARD. What is my deal.
I try to look in the mirror and see beyond my face. What is in there? Who is this person staring back at me? I see this 35 year old face but the inside is just as young as a 25 year old. But I am NOT 25. So who is this person REALLY. I accept my age, I accept my body...but they seem like two different people. I could hardly look at myself today..so anger with just letting my mind close my body down...just because it was tired.
What is it that makes people tick to drive them to run marathons, or iron mans or just say no to junk food? What is it that allows their minds to just get outside their bodies and push through? I want that!!
I want to not have the constant fight in my head about wanting to eat something, knowing it's going to undo everything I just did and then just eat it in spite of myself. Seriously...I think I am crazy.
I want to just have that desire to push through. I felt like I was gaining it over the past few months. I was feeling so proud of myself with going longer distances or shortening my time or just simply enjoying running in a straight line. But today, well today just pissed me off.
NOW...what am I going to do with this.? This will be the real test for me. Am I going to stop and pout? Am I going to let this sucky day get the best of me? I want to say NO!
I have talked to a few very wise people after my mental breakdown today and I figured.
I HAVE to keep moving.
pray for this nuts-oh
12 comments:
Oh Ren, I have felt the same things and points in my life. You are amazing and you can't give up. You are a strong person. You can do it. Also, Just because you had one bad day don't let it ruin everything you want to accomplish. Now I know this is easier said than done, but I think its true. I love you and will be so thinking about you.. Good Luck in your future runs..
first of all, you rock! second, the hard days are all part of the journey in reaching your goals. they're necessary, in fact. but don't let them stop you!
you CAN do it!
a. This is so refreshing because I thought I was the only crazy out there!! Glad to know you are crazy too! :)
b. You AREN'T actually crazy because I think EVERYONE has thoughts/moment JUST like this ... so that would actually make it normal, right?
c. You are such an amazing person!! I have always looked up to you and I just think you are great.
d. This is totally random, but if I remember right you did a post a while ago about names or something ... I meant to comment because my middle name isn't actually a name ... it is just the letter J. I HATED it when I was young and I always wanted to change it to Rennie because I thought your name was so pretty! :) Love you!!
we all go through that- it's called being human
Hey ren just thinking....our physical body shouldn't be making the decisions anyway. Lets try to turn it over and have our spirit make the decisions for our physical body. Then those sugary treats would be easier to chuck....throw away. Sounds simple right? I know its easier said than done but trying couldn't hurt. Love you. You're awesome. I am so proud of you for keeping on it. The Bryce half is calling.
I'm insulted that you don't think our volleyball time is a real workout! j/k. :) I'm proud of you for actually going out and running in the first place. I had a crappy day after volleyball too, but I figured out it was because I sat around and did nothing the rest of the day. Maybe I should have gone for a run... But the lazy side of my brain won out yesterday. I vowed to make today different--make the strong side tell the lazy side to shut it!
Oi! I just love it when my husband uses my computer, signs in and then forgets to sign out. That last comment was from me, if you didn't figure that out.
You just got in my head for a while there... I think it's call skitzo-friend-itis! I love your humor!
Hear ya on that one. If you're looking for some AMAZING, INSPIRING books on the topic, I tell ya I can't say enough good about these two books. I think of them often and they change my life for the better, seriously. One is "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster. He's a Christian who writes about how the physical and spiritual disciplines are related in our lives. I don't do it justice, but holy cow it is fantastic. The other one is called "The Paradox of Intention, Reaching the goal by giving up the attempt to reach it" Maybe it sounds cooky but it's NOT. More academically written, took me MONTHS to get through but I'm not kidding it rocked my world. (in the good way:)
XO to you and yours, your fam really needs to come out here sometime soon. I'll babysit your clan while you and Luke ahve a horseback riding date. Must happen soon, email me and we'll coordinate dates!
If you are nuts we are all nuts, me maybe more so.... I have a fight in my head every single day so you are doing just fine.
Also you are crazy awesome for running at all! You go Girl!
Just found this, thought it was fitting:
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
* ULYSSES by Alfred Lord Tennyson
Oh Rennie.. I love your posts! You and I are so much alike.. too bad you dont live closer!! I am also a nutso.. we can form a club!!
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